i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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