hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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