I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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