Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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