Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
