The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
