I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
