Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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