Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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