The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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