seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
