you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
