Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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