i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
