I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
