Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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