I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize