I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
