i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
