So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
