we have pet lesbian snakes
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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