Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
