I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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