I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
