I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
