My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
