did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
