it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
