hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
