the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
