it wasn't lemon gatorade
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
