I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I need to stop coming to work sober
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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