Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
