I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
