i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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