this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
