I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
