I didn't shave. On purpose
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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