You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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