I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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