The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize