these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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