if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize