the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
