what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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