Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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