I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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