As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
