Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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