Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
this must be what syphilis tastes like
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
