My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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