the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
