there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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