i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
