when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
