Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize