Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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