im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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