I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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