I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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