I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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